If you are anything like me, perhaps you didn’t realize saying ‘no’ to stuff was an option. Are you so strung out on people pleasing that it’s agonizing to disappoint others? Even if you’re at your max capacity? Setting boundaries and being okay with not being liked are two skills I have developed that have helped me immensely. I still feel the sting sometimes. That’s when I remind myself I can’t make everyone happy at my own expense. If you want to be more intentional about how you live, you have to decide what you want and learn to say no to the rest.
So many of us, especially women, were raised to be people pleasers. We were taught to put others needs and wants ahead of our own in an effort to be polite. And that it is more important than how you feel. It took a long time for me to even realize that I was doing that. I valued being nice, having good manners and doing for others but didn’t recognize what a toll it was taking on me. Sometimes all of my energy was going to other people or things that weren’t a priority for me. I was putting other’s needs before my own most of the time.
Self Love?
When I had cancer was my first exposure to the idea of self love and setting boundaries. I learned that people pleasing and perfectionism weren’t great. Kris Carr was my first teacher but it actually took me years to really understand the concept of self love. I mean I got it, ok love yourself, great. But actually loving yourself and what the looks like took me more time. And with that shift I started to understand setting boundaries and how necessary they were for my overall wellbeing.
So I learned to say no. As a total yes person, it was hard. However, once I got more ok with the discomfort it became easier and less uncomfortable. In fact it became empowering. I could see that I had allowed total strangers to consume tons of my time and energy, never mind people I love. BECAUSE I COULDN’T SAY NO!
Learn to say no
Okay so here’s the hard truth, you can’t have what you want if you are always putting others needs before your own. You can’t take care of yourself well, have energy for what you want and create your life if you’re bending over backwards for other’s needs. So you need to learn to say no. And here’s how:
1. Decide what’s important
Without knowing what’s important you won’t know where to set boundaries. So sit down and start writing. Write what you want your dream life to look like, what matters mosts to you? Think about how you’d like to spend your days and then match an action you can take now to start living that way.
- Want to get outside more? Plan a 30 minute walk each morning
- Feel lonely? Make a plan each week with a friend or plan phone calls
- Always wanted to do a certain hobby? Research it, what’s involved and find one step you can take now to start
- Family dinners important to you? Then make it a priority to sit down altogether
Once you have an idea you can make plans. Don’t get hung up on making it perfect. Just start with some concept of what you want and start doing, you can always change it. This is about getting more intentional with your time and energy, so you are choosing instead of being led.
2. Make a plan
Now plan out your week with the things you want in your schedule. Make sure you’ve included your priorities. It takes some practice to find space for these things but life will always be busy. There will always be things vying for our time and attention. It’s our job to learn to say no. It’s our job to say this matters not this. So this is where you will begin to bump up against decisions. And you get to practice saying no.
- Do you want to start tap dance lessons on Saturdays but you said you’d help with a school bake sale?
So you have a few options;
- You can call and say no I can’t help
- Bake a few extra items to contribute and withdraw other help
- Lastly, you could put your dream on hold another week and help out
I usually choose the middle option when I’ve committed to something and need to withdraw. It allows me to still contribute in a way that works for me and I’m not compromising what really matters. Because the thing is, there will always be things you ‘need’ to do and they will get in the way of the things you want to do unless you set boundaries and make space for them.
- Someone who has been trying to reach you calls during meal time
You’ve laid out that family meal times matter. So what will you do?
- Answer because you know, they know, you are around
- Answer and explain why you can’t talk
- Your phone was on silent because it’s meal time, you never heard it ring
- You ignore it
Making a plan and sticking to it as much as possible will allow you the freedom to do what matters. Of course we need flexibility because life. But there is a difference between being flexible and having no boundaries. And people will learn that about you and come to you because you’re “helpful” or “always there to lend a hand”. Remember, you’re uncomfortable either way so choose the discomfort that benefits you. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a helpful person.
3. Practice, practice, practice
The more in tune we are with what we want, the easy it is to make decisions. When you are confronted with a choice and you know you want to say no – DO IT! The more you practice, the easier it becomes. I found since becoming a parent my capacity to ‘be helpful’ is way down. And I’m honest about it.
I still feel that sting but I know what my limits are. I no longer come early to work, in fact I use every last minute before I walk through that door to fill my cup. Even if it’s just 10 minutes because you can do a lot with 10 minutes. I have learned to say no because the alternative is too taxing. I’ve accepted the discomfort of not always being liked or approved of because it’s fleeting.
Remember that most folks are going to accept your no and move on. The ones who don’t are not because it’s inconvenient for them, not because they don’t like you. And if your no means they don’t like you, they aren’t your people. You are likeable and loveable all the same when you say no. You don’t have to please everyone to be enough because you can’t please all the people all the time. It will get easier, you will feel better about it but you’ve got to practice to learn to say no.
The freedom of the other side
The more adept you are at prioritizing, making space for what matters and setting boundaries the happier you will be. And the easier it will feel when you do say no, you will normalize it. Because it is actually normal to say no to things and make choices about how you spend your time.
Your cup will be fuller so you can give from a better place when you do. Helping out of obligation is not the same as helping out of choice. We need to start adjusting what our idea of help looks like as well. If you want the time and space to check lots of boxes, then you can’t say yes to everything. Buy cookies instead of baking them, donate $50 instead of volunteering or lend someone your tools instead of your time. We can still help people, it just might look a little different.
Learn to say no so you can say yes to what matters. And you’ll feel the freedom of being in charge of your life and your schedule.
